scotts world

joke
Telemarketer Repellant

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."

If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.A Roomful of Rednecks

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room?
A full set of teeth.Dear Yahoo!:
Where does the _expression "Be there or be square" come from? Why square? Why not trapezoidal?
Hipster
Coolsville, California

Dear Hipster:
These days, calling someone a square is just another way of saying they're unhip or "not with it." However, the definition used to be a lot different.
According to Phrase Finder, a square used to mean "an honest or direct person." The expressions "fair and square" and "square meal" are likely offshoots. The shapely saying didn't take a turn for the nerdy until the 1920s.

World Wide Words explains that during the '20s, people who didn't dig jazz were sometimes called squares. Jazz legend Thelonious Monk actually adopted the middle name "Sphere." Later, after World War II, the word took on its current, more broad definition, as in "Sheesh, that guy's such a square." The entomology experts believe the word's meaning changed gradually from honest to "boringly conventional."

The _expression "Be there or be square" is sort of a half-joking ultimatum that works because it rhymes. It probably originated in the U.S. during the '40s or '50s and was made popular by the whole James Dean "Rebel Without a Cause" vibe, which preached that being square was about as uncool as you could get.

We don't know why "trapezoidal" never caught on as a putdown, but maybe we can still make it happen. So from now on, a trapezoid is someone who doesn't appreciate Ask Yahoo!. Lucky you, you're clearly not one of them.Dear Yahoo!:
What is the most common birthday?
David
Denver, Colorado

Dear David:
We found several references to this question on the Web, all pointing to the same source: a survey of 12,576 Americans conducted by Anybirthday.com.
Answers like this one from the Fredericksburg Free Lance-Star cite the study's finding of October 5 as the date the most people (in the U.S., anyway) are born. The 2001 report claims approximately 968,000 living Americans entered the world on that date. (The original web page announcing these results is no longer online, but we oh-so-cleverly queried the Internet Archive Wayback Machine and found it.)

So why October 5? Just a random date? Perhaps, but Anybirthday has a theory: To be born on this date, a baby would most likely have been conceived on New Year's Eve.

The survey also found May 22 to be the least common birthday. As yet, no guesses as to what it is that happens in late August (nine months prior to that date) that routinely turns so many people off. Perhaps it's just too darn hot?Hi-Steppin' Mama

Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on the dog's tail we had to change his name to Beaver.Dear Yahoo!:
Why don't figure skaters get dizzy when they spin?
DeShaun
Brooklyn, New York

Dear DeShaun:
Experienced ice skaters work on their spins for years. Over time, they become desensitized to the feeling of dizziness. Olympic skater Sasha Cohen says she's so used to spinning that she never gets dizzy.

The World Figure Skating Blog explains that novices often become dizzy due to poor technique. They either look down or look up when they start revolving, or rock their bodies. The blog recommends a few tips for steadying your twirl:

Focus as normally as you can, straight out at eye level.
Keep your body and head still.
Keep your shoulders level.
"Stop your spin with a jerk, jabbing one toe point in the ice and giving your head a definite toss to clear away the cobwebs."
Don't eat heavily before spinning. (Just kidding.)
According to a Recreational Figure Skating FAQ, mild dizziness after a series of revolutions can also "be quickly overcome if you skate off or do one or two turns in the opposite direction." So get centered, and choreograph with a plan to shake that spinning feeling. The judges are watching.Why are New Yorkers always depressed?

Why are New Yorkers always depressed?The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.The State of Lawyers

Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California has all the lawyers?
Because New Jersey got first pick!!Dear Yahoo!:
Why are all calico cats female?
Debby
Hartwell, Georgia

Dear Debby:
Calico is a mix of orange, black, and white fur found on certain cats. Not all calico cats are female, but the vast majority are. Why? Like a lot of life's mysteries, it has to do with genetics.
PetPlace.com gives a surprisingly detailed explanation. Half a cat's chromosomes come from the mother, and half come from the father. The gene that determines a cat's coloring is found on the X chromosome.

Female cats have two X chromosomes, and each one can carry a different color. "In calicos...one X has the black gene; the other X has the orange gene." At some point in the female cat's development, one X chromosome becomes inactive. The timing of this determines the amount of calico patches.

So calico coloring isn't that uncommon among female cats. It's just a matter of the right chromosomal combination. In males, things are more complicated because they only have one X chromosome and "it's never inactivated."

A male cat can be calico if it's created with "two X chromosomes and a Y, allowing one X to be inactivated." This is a genetic defect known as XXY, and it's very rare. In fact, only one out of every 3,000 calicos is male.You Might Be A Redneck If... Prom

You might be a redneck if your senior prom had daycareA story song inspired by Jim Croce and Stephen King.

Roland's Song

Roland had a six gun in his hand
A fire in his soul
He was out to find that bastard of a man
Who put his daddy in a hole

When his mama stopped him at the door
She begged him not to go

She said

Don't walk away now boy
Don't walk away from me
Don't walk away
Then she looked him in the eyes
And she knew
God boy you're already gone.
You're already gone.

Suzy was a night bar waitress
'Bout as pretty as they come.
Her heart and bed shared a blue-eyed boy
Who was hiding on the run.

When she told him cops had been round asking,
Roland turned around and grabbed his gun

And she said,

Don't walk away now boy
Don't walk away from me
Don't walk away
Then she looked him in the eyes
And she knew
God boy you're already gone.
You're already gone.

Then she kissed him on the lips
As he walked out into the rising sun.

Avery was a good man
And the sheriff of the town.
He was out to find that foolhearted boy
Who shot his daddy's killer down.

When he questioned the girl at the bar
He knew she had a lot to hide
And when Roland walked out Suzy's door
Avery was waiting for him right outside

And he said

Don't walk away now boy
Don't walk away from me
Don't walk away
Then looked him in the eyes
And he knew.

Roland went for his pistol
But Avery's eyes, they were sharp and peeled.
Thirty years of honed reflexes
Shot from heart to hand to steel

And as Avery called for the ambulance to come
Suzy's arms were all Roland could feel

And she said

Don't walk away now boy
Don't walk away from me
Don't walk away
Then he looked her in the eyes
And he said
Sorry Sue, but I'm already gone.
I'm al ready gone.

Then she kissed him one last time
Under the early morning sun.

And I can hear her crying

Don't walk away now boy
Don't walk away from me
Don't walk away
Then she looked him in the eyes
And she knew
God boy you're already gone.
You're already gone.

Personal MessageDrinking Buddies

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."

Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.

"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

''It's a very ?old' bottle now, you know," urged Pat.

"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"Dear Yahoo!:
Why do we have bad breath in the morning?
Hiba
Toronto, Canada

Dear Hiba:
Science guru Bill Nye explains that the flow of saliva slows down during sleep. As a result, mouths don't get the same level of oxygen as they do while we're active. This allows anaerobic bacteria, which don't need oxygen, to thrive. "The waste products from these bacteria often contain sulfur -- and those compounds of sulfur are what we smell."

Onions are also nasty culprits of this type of bad breath because they contain sulfur. So limit your raw onion snacking habits, and you're ahead of the game.

According to BreezeCare, there are additional causes for morning breath. Mucus in your nose can thicken while you sleep, and your tongue falls to the back of your throat -- both of which provide welcome environments for anaerobic bacteria.

Treatments for bad breath abound, however the two common solutions are to brush your tongue to remove excess plaque, and the use of an antimicrobial mouthwash. Good luck, and may your breath be as fresh as a Tic TacDear Yahoo!:
Was Colonel Sanders a real colonel? What about Colonel Tom Parker?
General L. Nosy

Dear General:
Colonel Sanders, founder of KFC and mortal enemy of PETA, lived an amazing life. At an age when most folks retire, Sanders helped launch an empire. No doubt about it -- he was a dedicated businessman and a helluva dresser. But was "The Colonel" really a colonel?
Well, sort of. According to his restaurant's official site, Harland Sanders was named an honorary colonel by Kentucky Governor Ruby Laffoon in 1935. Sanders loved the title so much, he took to dressing like "the popular notion of a Southern colonel."

Moving from food service to show business, Tom Parker was also an honorary colonel. The famed manager of Elvis Presley was given the title by Louisiana Governor Jimmie Davis in 1948. Parker didn't adopt a colonel's dress code as enthusiastically as Sanders, but he was known to don the ol' white suit and skinny tie on occasion.

While Sanders and Parker are two of the more famous honorary colonels, they certainly aren't the only ones. We were surprised to learn many celebrities and political figures have been given the title. According to Wikipedia, Ronald Reagan, Winston Churchill, and Hunter S. Thompson were all members of the Honorable Order of Kentucky Colonels.Yo Mama... Christmas Corner

Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.Electricity Mathematics

Q: How many men does it take to screw a light bulb into a socket?
A: One -- because men will screw anythingDear Yahoo!:
Does music affect the heart rate?
Jasmine
Apple Valley, California

Dear Jasmine:
Recent research suggests slow music influences a person's relaxation, and that musical pauses modulate heart rhythms (in a good way). The study was published in "Heart," a British Medical Journal publication, and used a variety of musical genres, from techno to raga to classical.

The researchers found that music with faster tempos resulted in increased ventilation, heart rate, and blood pressure. When the music was paused, ventilation, heart rate, and blood pressure decreased, sometimes below the beginning rate. Slower music caused declines in heart rate, with raga music influencing the largest decline. Overall, researchers agreed that the style of music wasn't as important as its pace.

Music has also been shown to reduce stress, benefit athletic performance, and enhance motor function in people with neurological impairments. So turn up the volume and chill out.Dear scott,

When it comes to stress, there's nothing quite like finances to get the nerves jangling. Whether you've got too little, spend too much, or end up in a spat with your partner every time it comes up, money can ratchet up the tension.

If your solution to your financial stress is to take a long, hot soak to drown out those pesky calls from creditors, or to go on a budget-busting online shopping trip, you may need to rethink your approach. Here are 10 stress-busting tips:

1. Chant a money mantra. You see it, you want it. Now, how do you keep from buying it? Chant "I'm saving to buy a house," or whatever mantra works for you as you force yourself to keep on walking.
>> Find out if you're in control of your money

2. Save for college now. The best advice for stress-free college financing? Start saving early. Assume you'll need to save between $115 and $284 a month, starting when your baby is born.
>> The ABCs of college saving

3. Schedule fun family time -- that's free. Whether it's a bike ride in the park, a trip to the local library, or even a walk in your neighborhood, explore fun, low-cost activities for your family.
>> Search hundreds of family-friendly activities in the Family Fun Finder

4. Get smart about online shopping. Shopping online can be easy and reliable. But posting personal information, shopping by credit card, and browsing without seeing the actual merchandise can make anyone nervous.
>> How to be a seasoned, safe e-shopper

5. Ignore the Joneses. In this consumer culture, you may break out in a sweat when you see the neighbors' fancy new car, or hear about their ski trip to Switzerland. Know your goals and stick with them. The Joneses may be up to their eyes in debt.
>> Find out if you spend too much

6. Don't obsess over stock market. A 2002 study in Hong Kong found that those who checked the stock market daily during a recession were more likely to be depressed than those who did not. If it's a volatile situation and you have little control, don't dwell.
>> Test your family finance IQ

7. Seek advice. Whether it's a financial planner, marriage counselor, or financially savvy friend, if you're in over your head -- or can't stop fighting about it -- an outside opinion can help.
>> How to choose a financial pro

8. Eliminate debt. The first step is to stop accumulating debt and then eliminate it. Pay your bills on time, use cash whenever possible, and work out realistic payments with creditors to reduce debt.
>> What you need to know about getting out of debt

9. Maintain a cash cushion. Nothing is more stressful than losing your job or receiving an avalanche of unexpected bills. Maintaining a cash cushion in the bank -- typically enough to live on for at least three months -- can help you sleep easier at night.
>> Assess your financial health

10. Reward yourself. If you've been good, paid your bills, eliminated your debt, and saved your pennies, you can allow yourself a reward that fits the budget, whether it's a trip to Jamaica, a massage, or a nice meal.Dear Yahoo!:
Does Mrs. Claus have a first name?
Jol E. Phatman
North Pole

Dear Jol E.:
There doesn't seem to be a definitive answer. However, there are a few possibilities...

According to the Christmas special "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town," her name is Jessica, and she's a schoolteacher in Sombertown. SantaClaus.com goes a step further, claiming her middle name is Mary. But are those "official" sources?

Other than the good-humored reply that her first name is "Mrs.," there's very little evidence or agreement on what her mama actually named her. In fact, this article from "Santa Land" acknowledges that nobody (not even Santa himself) seems to know her first name.

We do know that Mrs. Claus first appeared in 1890, in a book of poetry called "Sunshine and Other Verses for Children." The book's author, Katherine Lee Bates, also wrote the words to the song "America the Beautiful."

It took a song, performed by George Melachrino and his Orchestra in 1954 and Nat King Cole in 1956, to launch Mrs. Claus into popular consciousness. And considering Santa's workload, it's a good thing he has someone looking after him.The Test

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.

The engineer went in first and was asked, ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.''''

Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ''''4.0''''

Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?'''' Every day there are a dozen new HOT stock market tips that guarantee your financial success. Every day there are hundreds if not thousands of people that jump on the bandwagon, and every day, each of those people are disappointed.

When it comes to popular stock market tips, there is no golden ticket to striking it rich. So I'm going to show you how to make your own HOT guidelines that will ensure you stay on the right course-the one that leads to success.

Stock Market Tip #1: Play Your Game

Develop a set of rules that you can follow. Whether they include some of the tips in this article or are strategies you've always lived by, STICK WITH THEM. An inconsistent, but more importantly an undisciplined trader will never make a profit. Chasing stock market tips won't make you money. Your rules are your money. Again, there will always be hot stock market tips that ensure success, but if you continue to whole-heartedly practice your own tips, you'll see profits in no time.

Stock Market Tip #2: Control Your Risk

There are many adventurous traders out there...and those are the ones that loose their fortunes. If you always look out to protect your capital base you'll ensure your financial safety. Now one of the most important stock market tips I can give you is to continue to let that capital base grow. That way, even if all of your investments fail, you won't be jeopardizing your previous profits. As a general stock market tip, never risk more than 3% of your portfolio on any one trade.

Stock Market Tip #3: The High Road in Cutting Your Losses

Things happen. People lose money...LOT'S of money. So don't be one of them. Basically this stock market tip means don't be stupid. If one of your investments turns sour don't stick around hoping it will right itself. Have a set target loss percentage where you can cut and run. Again, it's about being disciplined, remember? Set it no higher than 15% of your opt in, and you'll have a save exit with every trade.

Stock Market Tip #4: The Sky's the Limit

In contrast to Stock Market Tip #3, if a stock is rising beyond belief, don't jump out in fear of it suddenly falling back to reality. Instead, ride it out as long as humanly possible. This is how the biggest and most talked about gains are made-this is how FORTUNES are made. This stock market tip will ensure that you give yourself the best chance possible of striking that gold mine. Now if the stock does in fact start to fall, go ahead and opt out. It'll be worth more to you to risk that little loss in the end for that huge gain you'll make.

Stock Market Tip #5: Back to School

You know the saying, "Learn one new thing every day?" Do it. Seriously. Our stock market is ever-changing, diversifying, and adjusting, and YOU need to do your homework. It takes a lot to stay on top of it all. So if you come across something that you're not familiar with just look it up. If you think you know it all...go LOOK for something. One of the easiest ways to accomplish this stock market tip is to know all of the trading vocabulary. That's also the easiest way to ensure you're prepared to take on any obstacle that comes your way.

Stock Market Tip #6: How to Bring Your "A" Game

Stock market trading isn't only about successful financial advancements. Well actually it is, but you're not going to be able to do that every day if you don't have the emotional strength to pull it off. This stuff is supposed to be fun. If you're not at your best psychologically, you're not going to be focused, you'll make poor judgments, and most importantly you won't make money. Just think about the meaning of this stock market tip. If you're enjoying yourself, it's no longer work, so you are free to "work" in a mentality that will, in fact, play to your strengths...and wallet.

Stock Market Tip #7: Staying Above the Curve

You don't have to make a fortune with every trade you make. You don't have to become a millionaire at the end of every trading day. Here's stock market tip #7: You won't. The people that shoot for that glory every day are the ones that are losing fortunes, not making them. What you need to do is play above the curve. Don't be average, but don't be extraordinary. Extraordinary has WAY too many risks to worry about. Fortunes are made gradually. It takes discipline and consistency...something the "average" trader lacks.Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
Dear Yahoo!:
Can you breastfeed if you have implants?
Gianna
Brookfield, Illinois

Dear Gianna:
As with many health questions, this is an issue fraught with controversy and best discussed with your doctor. The answer ultimately depends upon the specifics of the case. That said, there are two major concerns with implants and breastfeeding: whether the breast will still produce milk, and if breastfeeding with implants is safe for the baby.
The location of the incision made to insert the implants and the skill of the surgeon play a large role in determining if the breast is still capable of producing enough milk. One lactation consultant states, "Incisions made in the fold below the breast rarely interfere with breastfeeding. Incisions made in the armpits -- if the surgeon is careful to avoid nerves -- are not likely to interfere." If, however, the nerves or breast tissue are damaged, as can happen when the incision is made around the areola, you may have problems producing enough milk. Occasionally, scarring from implants may also make breastfeeding uncomfortable or even painful.

We found many sources on the Web that echoed this claim, however, we also stumbled upon an article from the National Resource Center for Women and Families that states "any kind of breast surgery, including breast implant surgery, makes it at least three times more likely that a woman trying to breastfeed will have an inadequate milk supply."

As far as safety is concerned, the newer saline implants are not generally considered a risk for the baby. The data is a little less clear regarding the older silicone implants.

Overall, many experts seem to feel that "the benefits of breastfeeding far outweigh any risk of problems" and encourage women with implants to try breastfeeding. And a number of resources are available, both online and off, for women who encounter problems.
Dear Yahoo!:
Should I send a wedding invitation to people I know can't come?
Michael
New Jersey

Dear Michael:
We admit it -- we know zilch about etiquette. We can barely remember to keep our elbows off the table, let alone keep track of when it's acceptable to wear white shoes. At weddings, the stakes are even higher. Screw up the bride's big day and you might not live to regret it.
Given our reputation for boorish behavior, we thought it best to look up an expert's opinion. Peggy Post from WeddingChannel.com addressed this tricky and somewhat subjective question in her Q&A column. She suggests that instead of sending invitations to people you know can't attend the service, you send them a "wedding announcement" (preferably the day after the ceremony). It lets them know you care enough to think of them, but doesn't put them under any obligation to buy you a gift. Everybody's happy.

Of course, whether you're in the ceremony or just a guest, there are a zillion ways to screw up a wedding. So remember -- turn off your cell phone, always compliment the bride, and never place bets on how long the couple will last. Stick with that and it won't matter where you stick your elbows.Memory Loss

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years... chatting, and enjoying each other''s friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don''t be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. . .What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

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